JULY 28^th, 2012                                                                               The End Zone

My day started as it has started for quite some time now, cancer loaded or cancer free. In this case, I grab my 16 oz cup of baking soda/salt and water open the door for my most antsy Jammer and head outside. It’s the only way to clear, sweep free, simply cleanse the mouth from it’s evening marathon of gunk collection. Jams gets to do his morning dew (ties) while I do the same. The cacophony of the numerous woodpeckers working the dead oak tree in the open space, the hawks showing their spring litter how to hunt (not my dog, mind you), and then taking perch on the highest of high oak tree. Where they can see from up top, I know not, but it is sure cool. Each spring the finch return and build more and more nests around the perimeter of the property, and the babies are born in roll outs, a new nest erupts about every 5-7 days, and then flying lessons begin. These new ones have to be good, and this does require MY supervision because if you are a bird that can’t fly, just run real fast, I got a dog that is gonna win. Remember, my middle name Francis was passed to my son, and it came from 3 generations above, so we are ALL ABOUT the animals here, think St. Francis of Assisi, think San Francisco……their spirituality, their right to space with us, and their rights to participate in the natural balance of things. Should a hawk pluck a mouse or rat out from the creek, or a fox get the best of a raccoon, that’s natural. But, Jammer getting a non-flying baby finch isn’t, so we step in. But, after sneaking out front in my robe and corona sleepers, and picking up my paper, I hustle back in and plant myself on the bench at the turn of the garden, I let it all come to me.  This time, all of it.

I can’t believe I went through ALL of that cancer crap on a daily basis with my Mom, and then again, on a daily basis, with my Dad, accumulating the better part of 17 years, 17 Goddamn Years!!!!.....well, why couldn’t they be here for me? God, how I could have used their wisdom here, Mom’s patience and self-determination, Dad’s absolute unwillingness to give an inch. Let’s see…..I’m recently 55, my folks went through this for a combined 17, call me 6 mos and counting, and we have near enough 18 out of 55 years wrapped up in a battle of cancer……now, wait for it……32% of my life has been consumed with, on a daily basis, with the head to head concern, battle, and gloves on approach to beating an existing cancer in an immediate family member. What did Dylan say about “he who is not prepared for living is preparing to die.”

Help me out Walton or Strohecker, I need the exact quote in there.

But, that is some selfish heavy shit I’m throwing down right now, cause they carried their own burdens, tougher than anything I’ll witness. Dad fatherless at 6, self made Depression Man, Mom motherless at 9, having to readjust her family model soon thereafter, and succumbing to breast cancer, painfully and with toil at what seems like today, a VERY young 63. Dad, a hero in the Greatest Generation, the parachute he jumped out of his nose-diving plane safely secured in the vault in the garage. This nylon gave Dad, and as he shared it, 5 other members of his crew temporary warmth while they negotiated the underground tunnels of what was then Yugoslavia for 9 days in December of 1943.

Then again, who’s to say they weren’t still parenting, guiding they’re baby boy through this unwelcome gauntlet, a firm grip, just like they had at the zoo when they didn’t want to lose me on a busy and foggy Saturday afternoon. I wasn’t going anywhere, they promised Doggie Diner..….

No, as the aforementioned Walton often tells me about himself, “I’m the Luckiest Guy In the World.” Think about it, it’s true for ALL of us….. I have my birds, my 12 pounder is scaring away the mountain lions (that’s what he says), the breeze blows through, geese fly in formation every morning, and I have a diagnosis that points to success, a  victory, a touchdown, New Year’s Eve, Sugar Magnolia, a long deep Midnight Kiss all coming to me soon.

Yeah, it’s gonna take one more day strapping down into my mask, sucking it up, doing my ritual. But on Friday afternoon, it is over. I feel that, I know that deep down inside…….this treatment did it, killed it off, made it go bye-bye. I have operated under that theorem since like Day 5 of the complete treatment, right about the time the first chemo took me to my knees and made a humble man out of me (again).

Funny, the advent of the final 3 or 4 weighed more heavily on me than the 63 days of chemo and 35 days of radiation when I was looking at it from the ledge. Please help me explain that.

Counsel has told me that there will be a feeling of loss when the ritual snaps, the day to day changes and becomes more staccato. Okkaayyyy……..bottom line, do they still cook my mouth from 8 angles with a trillion dollar machine I’m helping to pay for. If not, let me give a thumbs up to the new way, cause mofo is hip to the old one, and homey ain’t playin’

It’s over, the numbers are all pulled down from the garage wall. How could I be so trite as to say Oscar Robertson for #1. He was the greatest, but no, that number is reserved for My Mom, My Dad, My Wife, My Son, My Sister, My In-Laws, My Nephews, My Angels, and YOU, my family.  It got us all to this point. This is no landing deck Mission Accomplished stuff…..I have a long way to go……check ups, tests, Scans, the basic anxiety of what tomorrow may bring. How about the comeback, getting back to solid food, putting the 23 pounds back on (Road trip!), getting taste buds back, whacking a deli sandwich, a burrito, an artichoke? I pray that the taste buds come all the way back on all of these fronts I am greedy enough to not lose any of them.

I’m not done here, either, by a long stretch, “I Got So Much Things to Say Right Now.” We’ll explore lots of topics , not the least of which is the measure of the angels in your world, the presence of spirits, who your God is, shoot, even Jah Rastrafari! Do they show up as a hummingbird in front of you for 25 seconds on your final morning, eyes literally piercing yours, the sounds of their wings audibly present.

I Don’t Know….I may know less now that I knew in the first place. What I do know is that, I couldn’t have done it without any of you, Kiki, Sam PA, my nephews. I am so sorry for any discomfort or emotional mismanagement I may have been responsible for. Sorry for missing some hoops games and practices this summer, sorry about the missing date nights (boys-cancer isn’t even an excuse there), but I’m coming back, taking all y’all up on the offers you made to me, and I will come fast as I can.

This blog thing is amazing, over 8,575 hits as of today. Not everyone had to respond, not the point, but to know that kind of volume was traveling in my circle humbles this man like you will NEVER believe. I knew I had love before, I did, but these levels are beyond my way of thinking. A tearful thank you to you now as you read.

 So, from here, we’re looking at 2-4 weeks before I can get enough solid food to contribute enough protein and calories to my diet. That’s when the tube will come out. I will go in for regular hydrations through my port, so that will stay for a while. My hair is coming back but I am to take it easy and sleep whenever possible. I can dig it. So, I’ll be all around Grizzly Creek Amphitheatre here for the month of August, John Hiatt in Napa on the 2^nd, and slow but sure we crawl out of this thing. The voice is real bad now, energy sapped, just keep doing what you are doing, and if you come by, bring some soup!

Some of you may remember, or may have visited me, in 1984-85 when I went down to St. Thomas (now’s about the time I think I’ll hear my Mom’s voice yelling YES, and I didn’t like it one bit.). CLUB DEAD T-shirts were off the rails on tour with the band when I toured the states, and subsequently on the island when I fell to earth fat and happy from my latest sybaritic bacchanal. I felt about as good then as I felt bad these last few months, should we discuss yin and yang. It was a place of magic and re-birth for me there. Well, I needed a follow up to Club Dead, and what could make more sense than CLUB DREAD. My shirts all were accompanied by a hook line at the bottom, and in a moment of clouded clarity, this one was anointed:

We Jammin’ We Jammin”

That comes from Bob’s powerful and anthemic call to return to Mother Africa, 1973’s Exodus.

In the spirit of my woodpecker’s, hawks, finchs, geese, hummingbirds, blue jays, hoot owls, robins, bats and angels, this feels like a nice way to end this for today. Go get the disc and play along,

I’ll See You in a Couple of Days, Next Up, the beginnings of yet a new perspective

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Singing Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Rise Up This Morning

Smile with the Rising Sun

Three Little Birds

Sit by my Doorstep

Singing Sweet Songs

Of Melodies Pure and True

Singing, his is my Message to You Hoo Hoo

Singing Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Singing Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Rise Up This Morning

Smile with the Rising Sun

Three Little Birds

Sit by my Doorstep

Singing Sweet Songs

Of Melodies Pure and True

Singing, this is my Message to You Hoo Hoo

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

July 27^th, 2012                                                                                                    Derek Jeter Day

I tried to get cute and make a big ol’ number 2 take up the whole page but that evidently is beyond me. 2 means 2. Kids, I’m hurting, the neck is aridly dry on the outside, the evenings are passed in 10 minute naps while I then cough up mucous balls to a bedside cup. No way around it. This is in a fully propped up position. At 4:30 last night I went to sideways and flat position, and though I unknowingly drool (just drool) I get blocks of sleep in, so I went that route and locked in a couple of hours. The wake up ain’t pretty, but right now, neither am I.

Happy to say the plumbing is working, (which isn’t always the case with this cancer), the drugs and creams are in the dozens, and nothing is phasing out yet, I still need everything and more of some of it.

Closing a deal next Tuesday, which means I go for signing and a walk through today. Trying to get a proxy, we’ll see. I definitely want to limit my Vitamin D exposure as well as my human interaction.

Once that closes, I go to full on bunker mode. The voice is barely with me still, so please, short term, no calls. This might be the toughest part, the end of radiation. There were some windows in the chemo process that really sucked, but this period, ironically towards the end, could very well be the toughest.

I gotta bounce and get my day on. Around 2:00 PM WCT, the #2 will tear off and we’ll be staring at #1. I have a surprise guest(s) in store for that one.

Peace & Skin Lubrication Out!

TS

July 24^th, 2012                                                                                                    Lou Gehrig Day                

We guessed it, no island cruise, but far from the battle I anxiously anticipated.

Friday was cool, knocking off 2 numbers….Joe Dimaggio went by in a flash, and now I sit at Lou Gehrig, #4 (sorry to my guy Luke Walton who won 2 rings wearing #4 for the Lakers). I go to Lou because he is the icon for whom Lou Gehrig’s Disease---ALS--- is named after. You may recall back a few that my first friend here in Lafayette, Matt Chaney, who dusted me on a mountain bike ride up Wildcat Canyon and throughout Tilden Park, has been suffering with ALS for 12 years now, since before we moved here. Once it came to light that Matt was going through this, he became an inspiration to Kiki Sam and I, and not long thereafter, the community as a whole. The Little League Diamonds are named after him    , he runs noon league sports programs at the grammar school, ON and ON. We joke that where else will you find 2 feeding tubes attached to two guys only 4 homes apart?!?

The jokes stop, haltingly, right there. Matt is staring down the barrel of a gun every day, I know I will pop out the other side of this, beaten, bruised, but intact.

Sam has spent lots of time up at the Chaney home to get a peek at how things can get tough, and how extra grace is often required. Matt is my idol, a musician, football player, artist, just so much going on to have this fell him. He currently rides his recumbent bike ALL OVER the place, ramping up to 50 and 60 mile rides for the ALS Association rides. Next time it comes time to donate something somewhere, make it in the cause of ALS research. I have all the vitals here and would love to help. I have worn the red “Never Give Up” wristband since diagnosis. Remember how lucky you all are.

In ten minutes, one of my work wives, Kim McAtee, will honk in the driveway and down the road I’ll go for treatment, only to come home later to expose the #3…..these are the laser type treatments going at the small spots, but my oh my, if you saw me know……

Thanks to Joan Columbini for coming over and hanging out on Sunday, to Dale in Austin for sending the Pistol Pete Maravich book, to Gail for the muffins, the Simpsons for ALL the food and rides for Sam. To all my angels, thank you for being here.

Kiki has been magnificent, blending my protein shakes with the greatest things for me in them, keeping calm when she first sees my face in the AM, and for going about the business of the house in such a way that we haven’t missed a beat.

Sam, too, has been a good boy, keeping me entertained und updated on the latest and greatest. He is challenging himself this summer with some talented guys in the DeLaSalle summer camp hoops program.

4 to go, but no celebrating, it’ll be weeks till I’m on the other side. I will keep you posted!

Cheers,

TS

July 19, 2012                                                                                       Steve Young Day

Mr. October, #9 Reggie Jackson, handed the flaming torch (allegorical to the innards of my mouth) over to Steve Young today, and I have just returned from #8…..I’m  staring at #7 in the garage right now, let’s assign that to John Elway. Back in 1983, I hyper-extended my knee in a post college basketball game, and John’s twin sister Jana was my Physical Therapist down in San Jose. She worked me hard through the process, challenging me to get stronger and better every day. I think of her now, she would probably be doing the same thing with that strong athlete’s mentality. She passed away a decade or so ago, so this one is for Jana and her spirit. Seek inspiration, it will pop out like an angel.

I double dip on Friday, receiving #7 in the AM and then returning in the afternoon for #6, my idol, Bill Russell, the champion’s champion! This process of two in a day has been done before, and though I am concerned that my weekend will be less than an island cruise, it will allow me the Final Five to complete the following Friday the 27^th. 4 of those 5, Tues-FR, will be a more laser focused treatment….remember when they told me I had 4 more to do? These are the ones. But it won’t hit the broad area it is hitting now, won’t burn me unmercifully as it is doing now. The upside is my current scorch area will begin the healing a tad early, and up from the Cable Car Turnaround I will ascend.

True, Bill Russell deserves his own day, but whatcha’ gonna’ do?

I love hearing from you out there, so chime in, via email or through the blog. It is good to know you are there.

We’re 30% through the countdown….

July 17^th, 2012                                                    Day #10 in honor of PELE-International Soccer Star

The Countdown….how I love my countdowns….ever since that fateful, unforgiveable night, December 31^st, 1978 when I went to John Piva’s  New Year’s Eve Party overlooking the Belmont Canyon with Larry Weinberg instead of opting for the Grateful Dead and the CLOSING Night of Winterland.

John had the latest and greatest in stereo technology, Kliptsch Ultralinear 6 foot tower speakers, the biggest TV on record at the time, and KQED was streaming it, so since I had seen Springsteen at Winterland  on December 15^th (the GREATEST NIGHT EVER) and Tom Petty just the night before, I figured I could skip this one….if that sounds stupid, let me help you understand…..Peevs had those old cigarette holders he stole from his folks house that made ciggies stand up, because NOBODY had a brand yet, they just smoked, right? Those were filled with Thai Sticks. The garage had 2 Heineken kegs!! Heineken and I’m 21, OMG……There was black light and disco balls, and a room that required a secret knock, though that secret got exposed pretty quickly, everyone wants to share……to top it all off, he had a 200 gallon aquarium that had piranha and other teeth-exposing fish swimming around eating stuff people would feed em, and I’m talking meat.

This was one sick little rock and roll pad cooking along up on the ridge, Larry and I are making new friends every minute, we have no curfew, and I recall in that moment, that everything was A-OK. Or so I thought…….there was still but one new lesson to be learned…….at MIDNIGHT, with all the energy focused on our heroes on the big screen,  Jerry Pompili, Bill’s OTHER right hand man and stage announcer for everything our beloved brother Peter Barsotti produced,  began his infamous  countdown, the 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1….HAPPY NEW YEAR.

The energy built and built as we chanted, arms around each other, smiles abounding, joints flying around and BOOM, Sugar Magnolia pushes us into 1979, I open my eyes and thankfully I am NOT kissing Larry Weinberg…….when the confetti finally settled, I told myself that as great this was, I am never, ever going to miss a LIVE countdown with the Grateful Dead on New Year’s Eve, ever again. And I never did…..1979 through 1991, until they voluntarily retired the ceremony in honor of the late Bill Graham, who died on October 27^th, 1991 in the horrific helicopter crash……after all, it really was Bill’s thing, the band just played along, if you would….

So, it’s true, countdowns are in my very nature….I know at the end I am going to be able to celebrate, but really what it is, is the ability to wonder what’s coming down the pike at me/us this year? The literal first few moments of the New Year, so much hope, so much promise, and at a show, Community. We’re all here together, in search of the common chord, knowing that as families go, this one is the biggest and the energy that emanates from this group has the very power to grant those dreams and wishes, to provide encouragement and the chance for a brand new beginning.  For those 13 years, with that community, with all that hope and love, it was like a rocket ship sending us out to explore, experience, and kinda slingshot you get on with your life, the things you’ve wanted to do, hoped to do, desired to do, maybe even HAVE to do.

So, as Pele hands the microphone to #9 Reggie Jackson tomorrow, my countdown has begun, with you all as my community…..not all the similarities are tracking along with the story from my youth. The celebration will be muted as no final news of my condition is in, but a milestone will have been reached……..I think of it as the Cable Car turnaround at the bottom of Powell Street. One last Irish Coffee from the Buena Vista and it’s all uphill from here, and the cables will have to work overtime, the grind is on, dig me out of this abyss….. but, the rewards/ the views/the destination will be worth it….we’ll climb halfway to the stars…….

TH July 12^th                                                                                                          John Brodie Day #12

So, I worked hard to get over the # snafu of last week….blew through those numbers and then some sitting at today’s #12….out of the teens, just a hair over 2/3 of the way done with Radiation. The #12 stares at me at the garage door, it will tear off tomorrow afternoon and hold at 11 for the weekend.

You know how it is when you count down the dates towards a b-day, a concert date, a party, a holiday?…..sometimes it goes slowly, other times, tick freakin’ tock……depending on how I look at it, it swings either way.

For anyone going through a medical situation, communicate with your Doctor, or more specifically, the Nurse Practitioner assigned to you. When things pop up, tell them, then BOOM, they have a way, a prescription, to ward it off. The more I communicate with my gals, the quicker I get solutions. It has been helpful this week, I’ll spare you the deets, but the point is, don’t suffer through it.

This feeding tube is a trip and a half. So convenient. I will admit that food doesn’t get me off at the moment, since my tongue is shot and burnt, but being able to get the calories and the sustenance in very little time is a godsend. True, there is no variety, but the mixture does do the trick. Right now, I don’t care what hours I eat, just that I do. I don’t go to bed hungry either, no sense in that.

I’m down about 18 pounds now, and it is evident. My hair is coming back, a salt and pepper mix like before, and it is very short still, but it is making a comeback. For all of you thinking that a by-product of this deal is that I lose weight, well, yes, true that, but it is the muscle that goes, the tone, not the fat. I think it will entail some personal training when I get through this to get the right cardio/weight lift mix in there.

To the heat….wow, that slows me down big time. For me, Tuesday and Wednesday were tough. Sam and I bought some Comcast movies and laid low. What’s the point? We all miss our baseball when the All-Star Break happens, too. Can’t wait to get that rhythm going again…..how about the Melk Man, the Panda, Matt gets the win, Buster holds the fort….yeah, baby. Didn’t hear squat outta David Wright.

Kiki’s band, Dream Posse plays twice on the Peninsula coming up, Wed the 18^th in Menlo Park and Wed the 1^st of August in Redwood City. Go to www.dreamposse.com for the deets, but it is free and they are good. I can’t say I’ll be doing my usual Roadie work for them this time, (like carrying the singer’s mic stand is tough) but do go and check ‘em out. The more folks show up, the better chance they get to get re-booked, and that’s a good thing.

Finally, I want to mention the passing of a mentor, a leader, an impresario of the highest order, a friend and frankly, a legend. Peter Barsotti passed away at the age of 62 on June 23^rd at his home up in Groveland, succumbing to a 12 (evidently today's #, huh?) year off and on battle with cancer. Peter was Bill Graham’s right-hand man, responsible for the elaborate stage set ups at the infamous Days on the Green, the idea guy behind the Grateful Dead’s New Year’s Eve Midnight celebrations….my God, he had a hand in ALL of it, every last ounce. He was an amazing cat, and he was responsible for so much of the fun ALL of us had at any Bay Area rock and roll show we attended. I was graced to know him, and want to thank him out in the universe for his spirit and his creativity.

Thursday July 5^th                                                                                            Peyton Manning Day                     

Hey Now Everyone,

The good ship TomCat has had to make some adjustments this past week or so…..my numerology has taken a hit, and I term it a setback.

 As I left the radiologist last week after completing my 18^th treatment, leaving 17 to go, I crowed to the girls at the desk that I was “over the hump.” Fewer to go than what had been done, the back side of the hill, whatever……they smiled and said “Yay” and I left.

That was a Friday.

On Monday, my Radiologist met with me after my treatment to “clarify” some things…….he reminded me that the Final Four treatments were going to be even more laser focused on the original tumor area. I knew that. I thought those would be #’s 32, 33, 34, & 35. He had been telling me 35 treatments for over 3 mos now.

 Turns out, those Final Four are at the tail end of the original 35…..bringing my total to 39!

Damn!

For those who have followed this blog and track my numbers with me, this “loss of yardage” so to speak was a total bummer. I gotta tell ya, it took me some time to get over it, and I got straight with my Doctor, explaining how expectations are at the core of this whole thing.

I don’t tell someone they have to pay 10% more for a home after we get into escrow…..that’s what this is, a hair over 10% more treatments.

 Big picture, I get it…..these cats are giving me my life back, eventually, and whatever it takes to get there is the road I must travel. The ironic part is, after two treatments last week, I was at hump day again, with 20 down and 19 to go…..so, I added the numbers right on top of the existing numbers in the garage, and started “re-tearing” them off dutifully upon my return home.

So, today, I sit back at 18, déjà vu all over again, and when I get home tonight, I’ll be at 17 left, with 22 done

 Now, to the effects……getting harder to swallow, the throat is without a doubt burnt through and through….surgery was performed last week to install the feeding tube, which has helped already. It visibly protrudes from my tummy, and after 24 hours of discomfort, has become my ally. What goes in is loaded with fiber, protein, nutrients, calories, it is amazing. That, too, took a little getting used to, but it will be my savior and it is tremendously convenient. I’ve dropped about 15 pounds, mostly muscle and not much fat. Putting it back on will be fun. This tool will help me maintain what I have now.

Before I forget, Sam’s team beat the two teams from Oakland, then came out to Concord again and beat the best that Walnut Creek had to offer in a thriller to win the Bay Area District 4 CHAMPIONSHIP. What a gas. We have hardware all over the place. Kiki and I are so very proud of him and the way his team coalesced. You can’t ask for anything more for your kid. His play was stellar and he was ripping doubles and triples all the way to the end.

And, I sold another big one in Alamo this week, almost $1.4M, so proof again that the angels are in my corner. Thanks to all of you for that supreme energy.