October 12^th, 2012                                                                           77 Days Post Treatment

 

Bless me people, for I have faltered, it has been more than 3 weeks since my last epistle, and these are my stories…..wow, what a run! I left you off at Kiki and I attending Crosby, Stills & Nash. They were better than perhaps I have ever seen them. The Fillmore is so magical, because we get to within 20 feet of the stage and just drink it in. They opened with Carry On, and the energy and thrust of the music lifted me…..it was like back in the days with Jerry and the Boys….you could hear a song like “Playin’ in the Band”  a hundred times, but then something happens in your life that affects it dramatically, and the words take on a completely different meaning.

Such is the case, as you can imagine for me, with Carry On…..cause that is exactly what I’m doing, every day…..I’m getting better folks, and a magical night with those Hall of Famers did a lot for me. They played everything except the predicted and awaited Suite Judy Blue Eyes. Next time they come, I’m buying tickets for BOTH nights, then I won’t miss a thing. Like buying tickets for 17 Grateful Dead shows on a tour. We were certain not to miss a thing! I get goose bumps just thinking of that time.

 So, at about 40 days post treatment, my feet peeled, mostly the heels and all around the toes…layer by layer. Took that in stride. Swallowing had been difficult up to about 60 days, but we are getting through that now too.

On the upside, we have weaned me off the morphine….I was at 3-4 pills (don’t ask about the MG’s, don’t know) a day during treatment, and hello, will that make you foggy? We knocked those down quite a bit, evolving to a 25 MG patch that I placed on my chest for 3 days at a time, then to a 12 MG for 2 weeks, then, POOF. DONE. My doctor said if I had pain, hit the Aleve or Tylenol, let’s put the heavy stuff behind me, and it is. I had my feeding tube removed 10 days ago too, simply didn’t need it. Donated all the equipment (drip systems, larger syringes, the balance of my canned food) to families who don’t have insurance, and that feels good.

So, I am eating just about everything. Had my first burger the other day, that went down nicely. A blessing has been that I am eating more slowly, cause I must masticate everything or it won’t fit down my swollen neck/throat. Recently, the gland areas and throat, the areas that had been attacked and under siege for the past 5 months, have rebelled after the fact and swelled up, making pills hard to put down first thing in the AM. It gets better during the day, I can get through a lunch. Mexican food is back without salsa, Chinese, my good veggies…….though I am eating much like a horse, I have only put on about 5…..call it 8. I went from 197 to a low of 167 (that was a bad day) and am hovering around 175 now, which is good. My friend Kelly told me now is the time to “re-sculpt” my body. Who knows if I will ever see 197 again? Good riddance. My target weight could be in the 180’s, and that would be sweet.

Kiki has been amazing. Her ability to understand the medical process, the understanding of what drugs do what, her advocacy when I needed to speak up and about my treatment….the why’s and how’s of what we were going through. She always had a blended morning drink awaiting me, the fridge was stocked with what I could eat at any one time, and we worked foods in as we got better. I love her for her tenacity and ability to juggle and handle the house, Sammy, the shopping, starting the day each day. She has been so special. I got cranky here and there, prone in bed often when she took off for work, but her strength helped me immensely and got me back on my feet in what the doctors are saying is WAY ahead of schedule.  And all of you, the same…..I’ve been getting jabbed recently for not blogging by folks who have my link always open on their desktop……you all humble me.

I only have one more year of coaching Sam in basketball, and thank God, I have been given the chance. It was February 2^nd when I was diagnosed, and I went to his game after the appt. He scored, defended, rebounded, dove for loose balls…..I sat in the top row, away from the rest of the Dads, and a tear went down my cheek. I simply was not ready for this to be the end, not by a mile! How could I leave an 8^th grade boy and his beautiful Mom, just poof? It didn’t work for me then, and it doesn’t work for me now. I have so much more to do, not the least of which is getting these young men ready for a full season. My voice is strong, please, someone, warn the refs!

Kiki just returned from a well-deserved chataqua to Sedona, AZ with Carla. There they simply got off on the rocks, formations, petroglyphs, arches, oh my, makes me yearn for another trip to Zion. She needed the break, I haven’t been a social animal, along with my quirks and errors, so I’m glad she got away to refresh. All you care-givers out there, make sure to do the same, keep yourself fresh for the battle at hand.

As many of you know, I had a few friends back in the day on the Boston Celtics of the mid-80’s, the champions. From that era I have maintained friendships, deep ones with Bill Walton, shooting guard and current Wizards asst coach Jerry Sichting, KevinMcHale, and Bird if I ever see him….he’ll just call ya rookie. Anyway, from that group was the equipment manager, who has morphed from that great job to a job as Springsteen’s Road Manager. Instead of washing dirty socks, he’s telling Bruce what time soundcheck is…..can you dig that? And I thought I was blessed. Well, Wayne has a pair for my sister and I on November 30^th in Oakland, I’m working on a 4 pack for Sam and Kelleher. As I type, Bruce is singing about the “Land of Hope and Dreams,” with the E Street Band keeping up…..”this train, full of saints and sinners, losers and winners, this train faith will be rewarded, dreams will not be thwarted,…..tomorrow there will be sunshine and all this darkness fades.” He is my hope, my sole single voice, my leader, my poet laurete, the voice of my heart, and I will be close and rewarded myself in a mere 6 weeks.

We find our inspiration where we find it folks……from my man Matt Chaney 3 doors down, with 11 years of ALS and yet still having the ability to bound off the couch as he and I shared Buster Posey’s Grand Slam for the ages……my sister, who went through so much with me as we grew up with two eventual cancer victim parents…we worked so hard together…..Kiki for riding this out with me, Sammy for just being a 13 year old boy and trying to find his way, for a spell this year, without his Dad. But men stepped up….Bob Enright & Bill Walton taking him on the field before the Jerry Garcia Night at AT & T, The Chaney Family for showing absolute true grit…….

I am awake, I am alive, I want to give, I want to serve, I want to help the next guy going through this nightmare…….the Jesuits teach you to be a man for others, and it stuck.  Think about it as you make your way through your day.

Faith and Good Work will be Rewarded.

TS

September 19^th, 2012                                                                                     54 Days Outta Treatment

 

Hey Now Everyone,

Sorry for not checking in, been super busy trying to get better…..things are coming along, I guess they are. Went to the Doctor on the 10^th, he doesn’t have the best tableside manner, so I gotta tell ya, he didn’t necessarily lift the spirits of Kiki or me……the end goal is to ramp down the meds, notably the morphine, which though it is being received in small doses, CANNOT be quickly ceased due to serious withdrawals….so we are scaling down, and making great progress there.

 

I’m looking for signs….little more beard/goatee/moustache growing back, weight gain, energy…..it’s coming. Believe it or not, the right side of my moustache came out of this thing horizontally sliced in half, top to bottom. So, if desired (NOT) I could grow a little “frenchy,” real thin and straight….well, in the past two weeks, that growth is working its way back down to my lip, and I am ecstatic. Just show me a sign, Jesus, just show me a sign……all I am sporting now is a little soul patch beneath my lower lip. That’s going to have to do it for now.

 

It has been a weird couple weeks since last I scribed…..still trouble getting outta bed, getting going, eating lots…..I had to cancel my Stage MC’ing at Lafayette’s Art & Wine Festival cause I was way worried about that much time in the sun, and heat…..imagine, I had to give up a mic that I’d have on stage all day intro and outro’ing bands in front of 1,000-2,000 people. I hate it when that happens. But I did go down for a spell on Sunday to see this HOT Santana copy cat band called Zebop. They are special, but I got tired in an hour and Kiki and I split to eat.

 

Sunday was a different day. Hung at home all day till about 2:00 PM then went down to see Kiki’s band, Dream Posse play. TONS of people came from far and wide to support her (and me) and we were touched. It got me fired up. Judy, Katherine, Rita, Joan, The Georges, The Carellas, Alison & Greg Vicas, Ilene Leibowitz, the Cliftons,Sue Cost and Dani Robinson, Mike and Shanon, Evie and Eric, the Pooles.  I could and should keep going. We are made our way down the street to see the Sun Kings after that. They do the best damn Beatles covers you’ll ever see, and my dear friend Drew Harrison who does the John part---(funny that a Harrison does the Lennon, huh?) worked me into the lyrics during HELP. Help is the song he played for me at the Lafayette Community Music Festival back in May and I joined him onstage to dance and sway and cry…..cause I need Help and I’m not afraid to ask for it. Net net, he got 1,000 people to cheer for me and support me in my fight against this freakin’ disease and it was beautiful. It gave me hope, energy, fire, legs, love, and spine tingling happiness…….I was with my tribe, I was saluted, I was hugged, I was loved….

That launched me into a solid Monday, which moved to a solid Tuesday and now today, Wednesday….I am getting up, getting dressed, hit the office meeting Monday, going to Crosby, Stills and Nash tonight. Perhaps I’ve turned a corner, I do know I’ll continue to need naps here and there (took one today) but the energy you have all given me throughout this process manifested itself into wind beneath my wings. I am determined to continue to battle, get out with my people, my clients, my family, my friends. EVERYONE tells me I look so much younger….that’s probably cause I don’t have a white goatee anymore.

I’m excited, people….I won’t get a scan till mid October or later, so I am still in limbo there, but we all know we killed this thing, and it is time for your TomCat to get it on and continue on my life quest to live with love, light, energy and be surrounded by my tribe at various junctures here and there.

 Kiki continues to be wonderful and supportive, trying to put weight on these bones (I’m up to 174 or so) and I am gorging on Chow Mein. Had my first burrito Monday, that stuck pretty good, even though it had no hot sauce and less flavor. And it went down with water, beer continues to be cerveza non grata right now.

 

Got a $1.4M listing this week…..I am humbled by the work of my angels. This one is conveniently located right around the corner, a family I moved in here 4 years ago. Job transfer, and they are leaving behind a beautiful, updated home with a new roof, pool, master suite, HVAC and more. In this market, it will be gone in a week!

I want to give a shout out to my college roomie and Best Man (and Best Guy) in my wedding, Dan “Harmon” Kelleher. He had his nagging hip replaced on the 11^th, and for the first time, we were both taking morphine at the same time. We were always more the beer and tequila shots guys, anyway…..hang in there, Harm, you’ll be better than ever, and you won’t have to do radiation and chemo to get better! Such a deal!

 

I’m coming around people, I’m coming around. Continue to stick with me, keep the cards coming, they are stacked 8 inches high now, you are an amazing batch of people. Don’t feel bad if you haven’t sent one yet, send one tomorrow, I’ll read it and cherish it. I have the best friends in the world, and I don’t want to say goodbye to any of them yet!

 

By the time you read this, I will have danced and cried at the harmonies of the American Beatles, CSN, playing The Fillmore tonight, and I promise you I will sing and sob during Suite Judy Blue Eyes, the anthem for my long ago fallen comrade, Bert Kirby Haverly, my Cassidy, a spirit gone way too soon, but the guy who took the time to scour the Grateful Dead Parking Lot in Ventura CA, July of 1983 and bring me Kiki (and Carla). Yes, it was Bert, and that was his song, and this will be Kiki and my night. I am yours, you are mine, you are what you are…..don’t let the past remind us of what we are not now.

I love you all.

 TomCat

 

 

September 4^th                                                                                   40 Days Outta Treatment

 

Sometimes I’m up, sometimes I’m down…..damn this thing. Let’s start with some good news. I sold a $1,575,000 house last Friday, that’ll close early October, so YAY! I brought the buyer in, an old friend from Grateful Dead Tour back in 1984/85…..he’s doing pretty well for himself, eh? He’s a lawyer in SF and really on top of his game. The home is here in Lafayette. So, that’s exciting, and important, for sure. Puts me on pace for my biggest year EVER! Hello, go figure. It’s those angels I’ve been talking about. I know I am blessed, and they show up from time to time. And guess what we found in the garage amidst all their crap…..a tray of cassettes with labels like “Ventura County Fairgrounds, July 21/22 1984,” and “Utica, NY 3-11-73.” A DeadHead lived here. I noted it on my Agent Inspection form…….just can’t figure if it’s the kids or the parents.

 

I am getting tremendous support here at home. Kiki has been stocking the fridge with items for me to eat, as I eat in stages……things for the juicer, things that I can get down for dinner, lunch. Right now it is fruits and protein shakes in the juicer, along with lots of pastas with white sauce. Chickens, potatoes, all sorts of veggies like broccoli and string beans and squash. Those are easy. Those don’t go in the blender, btw. Sam has stayed on top of his chores and that has been a big help.

The docs say my eating is way ahead of other patients. My big prob is the taste buds and the salivary glands. They aren’t producing, so it takes a lot of liquid to get things down. That can be frustrating. I have not necessarily been throwing the weight on. I still have the feeding tube which augments my diet. So, after a meal, I will ingest a can via the tube, and that is good for almost 500 extra calories. Still at about 172 and stable, so bummed a bit I can’t get up to 175 and keep it there. Maybe when burritos start tasting good…..understand that it is a challenge to keep weight on. Weird, huh? Huge kudos to Kiki for helping me on my quest to pack on a few. We have yet to run out of ice cream……

Kiki and me and some friends saw John Hiatt up at the Uptown Theatre in Napa on Sunday night over Labor Day. He was fantastic, played ALL his great songs. Honestly, I don’t know what else I would have wanted him to play. What a set list. Had musicians from Lake Charles, LA, Birmingham, and Nashville, so figure out the angles and approaches they took. Great show, great to hear some live music.

 

I want to get back to being me, get back to hiking hills and telling stories and seeing groups of friends and having the energy to get through it all….but that is not here yet, and patient I must remain. Thanks to my phone buddies who allow me to bounce stuff off them, and thanks to you for reading this…..the journey is hard, make no mistake, and I am not done yet, by a long stretch.

Next Doctor appt. is Sept 10^th. The next scan is in October, and everything rides on that. Kiki and I both visualize a clean body, just one that took a helluva beating……I want you to visualize the same thing….a cancer-free, non hot-spot scan result……..it’s powerful, and I want you to do it….just a mono-chromed scan paper with no colors!

 Love to all you all for coming back and staying behind me….send me an email, it’s cool, or post up a comment. I want to hear from you……

 

Keep On Keepin’ On,

TS

 

 

August 26^th, 2012                                                                                   31 Days Outta Treatment

 

I’m getting fired up a bit lately and warmly supported by friends who say, “You look a lot better, than when I saw you a couple of weeks ago! Your color is great and you look super.” You know how it is, that’s the nature. I’m seeing myself on a daily basis, and in all rites should be saying the same thing to myself. There is still the guy with the polluted system that aches for feeling better emotionally and physically. Give folks a couple weeks and I bet I do look a lot better…..I’ll take it, trust me.

So, I shifted the internal message the other day. Since I’m not necessarily in the forest fire at this time and I am in the defined “Recovery program,” then the message has to be altered.  I had Tracey down at the office print out some new language for the walls of my room and my other spaces.

 

“You Are Healing Every Day”

“Won’t you try just a little bit harder?”

“Get Outside and Exercise!”

“Lively Up Yourself!”

“Do a Little More Every Day”

 

I also set up some 3 week goals for myself to help begin the return of momentum, to fill some time, move forward and build up stamina….. little accountability items that keep me visible, interacting, getting the juice from my positive and inspirational friends. That’s the only way for a guy like me to crawl out of a hole. With this said, however, I still give ground and space to rest, recovery, healing, diet, recovering strength. At this time, it’s the mornings where I’m getting my rest.

 

So, today at the Niner’s ½ time I put on some sweats and saddled Jammer up. Kiki and Dream Posse were playing a winery in Castro Valley, beautiful place but an ALL DAY affair, 3 sets, no way I could hang, and  Sam was with friends. I went to my neighbor’s  Pat & George Noceti, and coaxed George (avid biker, tremendous condition) to walk the Lucas Circle Loop in our neighborhood. Accountability partner. We got up and over the hill and a couple more to boot, thus completing the most extensive exercise since treatment ended. Get out and exercise!

So, I will get to the Club this week for the first time since March. Begin training, stretching……….I’ve stabilized and begun to slowly put on some of the 30 pounds I’ve dropped since March 14^th. Maybe put back 20 instead, huh?

 Angel Delivery Service delivered my 2004 Jeep this week, formally, and I am now back on the road again, comfortable in my Jeep, completely serviced, ready to roll. You don’t know how much getting a car back under my butt has helped. Phew…..Thanks to Tracey and Shannon for that!

 I am healing every day…….I am eating lots of different solid foods, just trouble with the taste buds, no spices, toast, peppers. No pizzas or burrito’s yet, no burgers either, but pastas, chicken, Mac & Cheese all works just fine. Let’s just say I have moved up from puree, so yeah, that’s a  win.

 

I am getting stronger every day……

 

TS

 

 

August 22^nd                                                                                                         26 Days out of Treatment

 

 It’s been two weeks since I’ve taken the time to update you all. It may give the impression that this thing is “over,” but that is far from the case. These past couple of weeks have been a real trip. My face and neck continued to cook from within, and the throat is still a bit sore when swallowing etc.

The major issue was and is my head, getting my head around this.

At just about the point I last updated you, emotions took over, chief amongst them was a form of depression that I have never ever experienced. I just flat out got down, and couldn’t shake myself out of it by any measure. It went counter to what I should be feeling, or so I thought……I’m done, the treatment and punishment is done, in my heart I know I have beaten this thing, why am I bumming?

Oh, I know…..I have just finished being beaten to a pulp, taken to death-like places in the efforts to remove a thing that could kill me. In doing so, I have exhausted every ounce of fight and strength in order to beat it, my insides are torn and burnt, my life is upside down, what, I’m supposed to be cheery?

Nope, not true, and this is often the case for someone in my spot, especially in the 3^rd week or so post treatment. It’s common at this stage, the nurses have seen it…….so they prescribe me a pill that goes at this, but the caveat is that it takes a week or so to kick in, and during that week, I will be tired and worn out. I started it and quit it on Day 3, cause it just whacked me. That got me in trouble with my awesome nurse, so back on it I went, and currently am. It does help “pick me up” and the terrible tiredness has dissipated……we are phasing out one of the morphine’s now, with plans to scale down others so that I can clear myself from the clouds and get back to reality. I am off at least 50% of the stuff I started with, put it that way, and we are scaling back, which is cool.

It was anxiety, restlessness, moodiness all in one. I didn’t like it, it isn’t me one bit, but I had to give in to it, to the nurses, and get with the program.

In the midst of all of this, my car flat out died, dropped a rod or piston, and will cost over $5,000 to fix. That didn’t help one bit, cause now I was/am  stranded. I drive a Jeep Grand Cherokee, this one is my second one….so the doorbell rings  the other day and it is our close friend Tracey…..she just had her hair done at Kiki’s, heard the whole story, and drove over her daughter’s 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee that they were currently selling. Can you believe that?! The same year as the one I had. We worked out the price and I will own it by tonight. The angels are at work again. I’m stunned, and that has helped tremendously in turning the tide of emotion. By tomorrow I will be able to get out and about, maybe back to the office for a bit. Get myself back in the mix. Unbelievable.

We won’t have any scans done till October, so that will have to wait as things settle down inside of me.

For now, I’m doing well, still antsy, not getting much done, but planning on adding to my workload bit by bit. I just know that I am healing every day, and that is what counts.

I love you all.

TS

 

August 8^th, 2012                                                    12 Days Out of Treatment                                                  

Hey Now,

I’d like to say sorry for being so late in getting back to y’all since my FINAL day at Radiation, but truthfully, what a physical and emotional finish line. And, quite frankly, other that the driving down to the facility daily, nothing really changed. No, tearing the numbers off the wall stopped, and that is big, don’t get me wrong. The “numerology” part ceased and by now, you know that was big for me. But, here we are, 12 days since my last cook, and only now do I feel like I am clearing up. The effects of daily radiation REALLY took a toll. You can see where they concentrated, on the right side of my neck and dead on at the middle of my throat.. Of course, everything mirroring the other side of those areas took a cook too.

So, I have been hitting it with creams-a-mundo, day and night, along with some soak stuff in the day time. Word has it that two weeks or so into this part I’ll start to see improvements. So, I am being as patient as I have ever been and letting this take effect. The plumbing has taken a hit with the accompanying morphine, cause pain is a near and dear factor to me. Radiation still cooks from within, so I have to honor (and hate) that. The skin just keeps re-generating from underneath like a lizard. The left side is getting better sooner, clearing up some, but the right side, ouch.

My angels have kicked in. My sister won the on-field pre-game event with the Giants on August 1st/Jerry Garcia Night from the Lafayette Community Music Festival back in May (if it was Springsteen Night she would have sung the anthem with him!!!) bringing her sons/my nephews along with Sam and my great friend , SI B-Ball teammate and un-official uncle Bob Enright down to the field with her. There, they spent 45 minutes schmoozing with Giants and Mets players and being escorted all over by the grandest angel Bill Walton, who made sure they were in every picture, heard every story, hung out with Bob Weir and Mickey Hart from the GD, and were 10 feet away while the fellas sang the anthem. Bill graced Sam with one of two jackets made for the occasion with an SF Embroidered on the front left breast and an orange and black stealie on the back like nothing you’ve ever seen. Sam and Bill go way back, as you can imagine, and the big guy takes VERY good care of him at these special events (NBA All Star Weekends, player meet and greets, Final Four Regional Dinners with a table full of Champs, even private time down at Club Red in Fun Diego) so the comfort level is there. I appreciate my sister, Bob Enright and Bill for stepping up and making a special night even more so, while I stay home and get my ass better.

The angels also came out and supported Dream Posse during a couple of gigs on the Peninsula the past couple of weeks in Menlo Park and Redwood City. Kiki’s band is playing VERY well right now, and seeing so many familiar faces in the crowd made the “commute” even more special. Highlights included my #2 Mom, Donna Weinberg, getting up and shaking her bones on the lawn in Menlo, and being flat out pissed that no one danced in Redwood City. C’mon, Jim Nahmens, get on your Chamber and allow for a little fun down there, huh?!!? Seriously, at least 20 people per show came out, and that helps when Kiki goes to book them next year and she can back it up in numbers, so here’s to you and thanks for supporting US while we go through this as a family! So great of all of you.

My next Doctor appt is Sept 12^th with the radiologist, so I assume we will then schedule a PET Scan to see if we “got it all” so to speak. Kiki and I think of it in no other manner. Our visualization is that there is no more cancer there, the work performed did its job, and after the requisite time needed to let things calm down some, they will check and confirm that. That is how Kiki and I look at it.

 At 2 years, it’s 90+%, and the 5 year mark makes ya clean.

Seeing as I just turned 55, the 60^th b-day party is going to be off the hook. Start saving money, I think we are ALL going somewhere!

I closed that big one in Alamo last week, so I’m good for a couple more months, but I do have a couple of buyers out there that can step up anytime and I’m ready. Almost a seamless year, keep your fingers crossed.

Hold November 10^th at Town Hall Theatre for The Minks, with Pretending opening. The Minks are an all-gal female Kinks cover band and Pretending will cover Pretenders material. They do great b-side stuff, and the gal energy from both bands is tremendous! Come out and support the theatre and check me out at 180 pounds!

More to come soon from the blogspot. I’m not done healing or reporting about it.

With My Love,

TS

JULY 28^th, 2012                                                                               The End Zone

My day started as it has started for quite some time now, cancer loaded or cancer free. In this case, I grab my 16 oz cup of baking soda/salt and water open the door for my most antsy Jammer and head outside. It’s the only way to clear, sweep free, simply cleanse the mouth from it’s evening marathon of gunk collection. Jams gets to do his morning dew (ties) while I do the same. The cacophony of the numerous woodpeckers working the dead oak tree in the open space, the hawks showing their spring litter how to hunt (not my dog, mind you), and then taking perch on the highest of high oak tree. Where they can see from up top, I know not, but it is sure cool. Each spring the finch return and build more and more nests around the perimeter of the property, and the babies are born in roll outs, a new nest erupts about every 5-7 days, and then flying lessons begin. These new ones have to be good, and this does require MY supervision because if you are a bird that can’t fly, just run real fast, I got a dog that is gonna win. Remember, my middle name Francis was passed to my son, and it came from 3 generations above, so we are ALL ABOUT the animals here, think St. Francis of Assisi, think San Francisco……their spirituality, their right to space with us, and their rights to participate in the natural balance of things. Should a hawk pluck a mouse or rat out from the creek, or a fox get the best of a raccoon, that’s natural. But, Jammer getting a non-flying baby finch isn’t, so we step in. But, after sneaking out front in my robe and corona sleepers, and picking up my paper, I hustle back in and plant myself on the bench at the turn of the garden, I let it all come to me.  This time, all of it.

I can’t believe I went through ALL of that cancer crap on a daily basis with my Mom, and then again, on a daily basis, with my Dad, accumulating the better part of 17 years, 17 Goddamn Years!!!!.....well, why couldn’t they be here for me? God, how I could have used their wisdom here, Mom’s patience and self-determination, Dad’s absolute unwillingness to give an inch. Let’s see…..I’m recently 55, my folks went through this for a combined 17, call me 6 mos and counting, and we have near enough 18 out of 55 years wrapped up in a battle of cancer……now, wait for it……32% of my life has been consumed with, on a daily basis, with the head to head concern, battle, and gloves on approach to beating an existing cancer in an immediate family member. What did Dylan say about “he who is not prepared for living is preparing to die.”

Help me out Walton or Strohecker, I need the exact quote in there.

But, that is some selfish heavy shit I’m throwing down right now, cause they carried their own burdens, tougher than anything I’ll witness. Dad fatherless at 6, self made Depression Man, Mom motherless at 9, having to readjust her family model soon thereafter, and succumbing to breast cancer, painfully and with toil at what seems like today, a VERY young 63. Dad, a hero in the Greatest Generation, the parachute he jumped out of his nose-diving plane safely secured in the vault in the garage. This nylon gave Dad, and as he shared it, 5 other members of his crew temporary warmth while they negotiated the underground tunnels of what was then Yugoslavia for 9 days in December of 1943.

Then again, who’s to say they weren’t still parenting, guiding they’re baby boy through this unwelcome gauntlet, a firm grip, just like they had at the zoo when they didn’t want to lose me on a busy and foggy Saturday afternoon. I wasn’t going anywhere, they promised Doggie Diner..….

No, as the aforementioned Walton often tells me about himself, “I’m the Luckiest Guy In the World.” Think about it, it’s true for ALL of us….. I have my birds, my 12 pounder is scaring away the mountain lions (that’s what he says), the breeze blows through, geese fly in formation every morning, and I have a diagnosis that points to success, a  victory, a touchdown, New Year’s Eve, Sugar Magnolia, a long deep Midnight Kiss all coming to me soon.

Yeah, it’s gonna take one more day strapping down into my mask, sucking it up, doing my ritual. But on Friday afternoon, it is over. I feel that, I know that deep down inside…….this treatment did it, killed it off, made it go bye-bye. I have operated under that theorem since like Day 5 of the complete treatment, right about the time the first chemo took me to my knees and made a humble man out of me (again).

Funny, the advent of the final 3 or 4 weighed more heavily on me than the 63 days of chemo and 35 days of radiation when I was looking at it from the ledge. Please help me explain that.

Counsel has told me that there will be a feeling of loss when the ritual snaps, the day to day changes and becomes more staccato. Okkaayyyy……..bottom line, do they still cook my mouth from 8 angles with a trillion dollar machine I’m helping to pay for. If not, let me give a thumbs up to the new way, cause mofo is hip to the old one, and homey ain’t playin’

It’s over, the numbers are all pulled down from the garage wall. How could I be so trite as to say Oscar Robertson for #1. He was the greatest, but no, that number is reserved for My Mom, My Dad, My Wife, My Son, My Sister, My In-Laws, My Nephews, My Angels, and YOU, my family.  It got us all to this point. This is no landing deck Mission Accomplished stuff…..I have a long way to go……check ups, tests, Scans, the basic anxiety of what tomorrow may bring. How about the comeback, getting back to solid food, putting the 23 pounds back on (Road trip!), getting taste buds back, whacking a deli sandwich, a burrito, an artichoke? I pray that the taste buds come all the way back on all of these fronts I am greedy enough to not lose any of them.

I’m not done here, either, by a long stretch, “I Got So Much Things to Say Right Now.” We’ll explore lots of topics , not the least of which is the measure of the angels in your world, the presence of spirits, who your God is, shoot, even Jah Rastrafari! Do they show up as a hummingbird in front of you for 25 seconds on your final morning, eyes literally piercing yours, the sounds of their wings audibly present.

I Don’t Know….I may know less now that I knew in the first place. What I do know is that, I couldn’t have done it without any of you, Kiki, Sam PA, my nephews. I am so sorry for any discomfort or emotional mismanagement I may have been responsible for. Sorry for missing some hoops games and practices this summer, sorry about the missing date nights (boys-cancer isn’t even an excuse there), but I’m coming back, taking all y’all up on the offers you made to me, and I will come fast as I can.

This blog thing is amazing, over 8,575 hits as of today. Not everyone had to respond, not the point, but to know that kind of volume was traveling in my circle humbles this man like you will NEVER believe. I knew I had love before, I did, but these levels are beyond my way of thinking. A tearful thank you to you now as you read.

 So, from here, we’re looking at 2-4 weeks before I can get enough solid food to contribute enough protein and calories to my diet. That’s when the tube will come out. I will go in for regular hydrations through my port, so that will stay for a while. My hair is coming back but I am to take it easy and sleep whenever possible. I can dig it. So, I’ll be all around Grizzly Creek Amphitheatre here for the month of August, John Hiatt in Napa on the 2^nd, and slow but sure we crawl out of this thing. The voice is real bad now, energy sapped, just keep doing what you are doing, and if you come by, bring some soup!

Some of you may remember, or may have visited me, in 1984-85 when I went down to St. Thomas (now’s about the time I think I’ll hear my Mom’s voice yelling YES, and I didn’t like it one bit.). CLUB DEAD T-shirts were off the rails on tour with the band when I toured the states, and subsequently on the island when I fell to earth fat and happy from my latest sybaritic bacchanal. I felt about as good then as I felt bad these last few months, should we discuss yin and yang. It was a place of magic and re-birth for me there. Well, I needed a follow up to Club Dead, and what could make more sense than CLUB DREAD. My shirts all were accompanied by a hook line at the bottom, and in a moment of clouded clarity, this one was anointed:

We Jammin’ We Jammin”

That comes from Bob’s powerful and anthemic call to return to Mother Africa, 1973’s Exodus.

In the spirit of my woodpecker’s, hawks, finchs, geese, hummingbirds, blue jays, hoot owls, robins, bats and angels, this feels like a nice way to end this for today. Go get the disc and play along,

I’ll See You in a Couple of Days, Next Up, the beginnings of yet a new perspective

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Singing Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Rise Up This Morning

Smile with the Rising Sun

Three Little Birds

Sit by my Doorstep

Singing Sweet Songs

Of Melodies Pure and True

Singing, his is my Message to You Hoo Hoo

Singing Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Singing Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Rise Up This Morning

Smile with the Rising Sun

Three Little Birds

Sit by my Doorstep

Singing Sweet Songs

Of Melodies Pure and True

Singing, this is my Message to You Hoo Hoo

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right

Don’t Worry, About a Thing,

Cause Every Little Thing,

Gonna be all right